why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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