2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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