dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
