when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
