Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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