I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
