You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
