I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
