my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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