so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
