Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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