hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
