i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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