wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
