The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
