Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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