I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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