fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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