All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
50% drunk capacity currently
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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