You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I need a beard to bite.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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