Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
