I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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