You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
