Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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