Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
