So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
