I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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