we have pet lesbian snakes
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
