hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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