god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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