yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
