You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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