I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
