Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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