i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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