The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize