I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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