dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
