I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
