she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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