And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize