in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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