walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
