only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
