I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
