Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
