so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
