I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize