my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
