I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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