She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
