He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
