I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
