hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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