1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
