the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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