How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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