So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
