Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
