Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
