Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm lost and stupid without you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
my liver is dry heaving
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize