someone threw a dead crab at me
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
