I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
