Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Are my feet made of real feet?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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