I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
