All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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