Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
