I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize