He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
