Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
