My Higher Power is John Stamos
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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