Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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