There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i came on her dog
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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