Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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