obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
