i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
