How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
